I Am A Binge Eater

by Willie on January 17, 2017

in Begin Again, Daily, Food, In My Head, Motivation, Weight Loss

Full Disclosure: This post was a hard one for me to write and even publish. I actually wrote another draft of it almost a year ago but immediately deleted it. I didn’t want anyone to read it or even know about it. I’ve been asking myself should I even release it. But you know what, my story may help someone else. So, please read on.

I am a binge eater.

Untitled

It feels so strange to put a label on something that I’ve been dealing with most of my life up to now. But that’s the proper label for what this is.

Let me explain.

I know that my relationship with food is really screwed up. It always has been. Ever since I was a child. More than it has ever been.

As a child, I remember looking forward to desserts. Really, I just looked forward to just eating in general. The food my parents prepared to eat was just not appealing to me.

I was a super picky eater. I am still but 1000 times better than I used to be.

Back to the story.

Instead, I consumed sugar. All kinds of sugar in the form of chocolate, cakes, cookies, etc. It was my drug of choice. I’d rather have fast food over a home cooked meal.

I was one of those kids.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I did eat food that my parents made. Reluctantly! But sometimes, I just didn’t want it. Somewhere, the balance between eating regular food and eating sweets completely shifted to the unhealthy side. It never really switched back. I can say that this was very early on. Before I even reached 10 years old.

The trend continued from being a kid to being a teenager and even a young adult. I consumed more and more food because I felt like I could never get enough of the good stuff. I was making up for lost time. Or I was just making up for what I thought I was missing.

Eating food was a comfort for me. It was a friend that never judged or even disagreed with me. It just wanted to make sure I was happy. I was only happy when I ate.

I would eat in secret and hide food and dessert wrappers from friends and family. I would eat alone because I didn’t want anyone to see how much food I was consuming. It was horrible and pretty disgusting when I look back on it now.

No one ever knew. If they did, they never said anything about it: maybe not to make me feel bad about it.

No one should ever have a destructive relationship with food like this. Food is fuel for the body, not a treat. It’s not something that you countdown for. The big show of the day.

In my mind, eating was and still is something to look forward to. It’s become a reward and that’s the wrong mindset.

For the last couple years, I don’t know where my mind and body split but it happened. Before this split, I had no food issues for several years. I thought I had beaten this binge eating issue. I would just eat food because I needed to eat.

Somewhere in time, that changed.

Instead, I wanted to eat all the things. I’m not necessarily hunger. I just want to eat. The cravings are out of control. I don’t act on all of them but I do act on some.

Sometime after my gallbladder was taken out, my “willpower” went with it. Maybe it was slow weight gain that just made me want to say “forget everything I was doing”.

I’m not really sure but I really felt like I failed what I had started back in 2011. I had lost 300 pounds but didn’t know how to really keep it off.

I didn’t heal all the wounds that were still open and clearly visible.

Over the past few months, I started working on myself. I’m really trying to figure out what makes me tick. I’ve really been thinking about my triggers. What makes me want to eat certain things? Am I actually eating enough every day? Should I eat more often? Should I have a little bit of something to curb having a lot of something?

These are all questions that I’ve been thinking about. Binge eating is a serious issue. It’s something I’ve dealt with my entire life but just never did anything about it. For others, it’s a different type of ordeal. Read the book, Brain Over Binge by Kathryn Hansen, if you want a similar perspective.

I’ve been a binge eater my entire life. My relationship with food was never healthy back when we first lost weight. I really have to fix this broken relationship before I can really move forward and lose the weight again.

Like anything, it’s a process. A work in progress. It’s something that I’ll be working on for a long time.

Do you struggle with your relationship with food?
What triggers you to overeat?

  • Amanda – TooTallFritz

    I really think this is much more common than is recognized. You’re definitely not alone. All of those foods that you love have addictive properties. Chemicals that make your brain think you aren’t getting enough & that you are still hungry. Then add in the fact that they don’t have any real nutrients and in a way, your body really is starving. But not starving for more junk but rather nutrient dense foods: leafy greens, healthy fats, protein, vitamins, minerals & water to keep it up & running. Its a hard mindset to break. Its not about calories. Its about nutrition. Real food. Nothing artificial. Little to no added sugar in what you do eat. If you can get down to what your body really needs & start feeling good, you aren’t going to want to go back to that junk. I know its easier said that done. I’ve been there. I too really struggle with food. I’ve done so much research over the years and I just obtained the last pieces of the puzzle, thanks to the Swim Bike Fuel program. It was a real education for me when I thought I knew just about everything. Good luck. I’m rooting for you!

Previous post:

Next post: