Full Disclosure: This post was a hard one for me to write and even publish. I actually wrote another draft of it almost a year ago but immediately deleted it. I didn’t want anyone to read it or even know about it. I’ve been asking myself should I even release it. But you know what, my story may help someone else. So, please read on.

I am a binge eater.

Untitled

It feels so strange to put a label on something that I’ve been dealing with most of my life up to now. But that’s the proper label for what this is.

Let me explain.

I know that my relationship with food is really screwed up. It always has been. Ever since I was a child. More than it has ever been.

As a child, I remember looking forward to desserts. Really, I just looked forward to just eating in general. The food my parents prepared to eat was just not appealing to me.

I was a super picky eater. I am still but 1000 times better than I used to be.

Back to the story.

Instead, I consumed sugar. All kinds of sugar in the form of chocolate, cakes, cookies, etc. It was my drug of choice. I’d rather have fast food over a home cooked meal.

I was one of those kids.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I did eat food that my parents made. Reluctantly! But sometimes, I just didn’t want it. Somewhere, the balance between eating regular food and eating sweets completely shifted to the unhealthy side. It never really switched back. I can say that this was very early on. Before I even reached 10 years old.

The trend continued from being a kid to being a teenager and even a young adult. I consumed more and more food because I felt like I could never get enough of the good stuff. I was making up for lost time. Or I was just making up for what I thought I was missing.

Eating food was a comfort for me. It was a friend that never judged or even disagreed with me. It just wanted to make sure I was happy. I was only happy when I ate.

I would eat in secret and hide food and dessert wrappers from friends and family. I would eat alone because I didn’t want anyone to see how much food I was consuming. It was horrible and pretty disgusting when I look back on it now.

No one ever knew. If they did, they never said anything about it: maybe not to make me feel bad about it.

No one should ever have a destructive relationship with food like this. Food is fuel for the body, not a treat. It’s not something that you countdown for. The big show of the day.

In my mind, eating was and still is something to look forward to. It’s become a reward and that’s the wrong mindset.

For the last couple years, I don’t know where my mind and body split but it happened. Before this split, I had no food issues for several years. I thought I had beaten this binge eating issue. I would just eat food because I needed to eat.

Somewhere in time, that changed.

Instead, I wanted to eat all the things. I’m not necessarily hunger. I just want to eat. The cravings are out of control. I don’t act on all of them but I do act on some.

Sometime after my gallbladder was taken out, my “willpower” went with it. Maybe it was slow weight gain that just made me want to say “forget everything I was doing”.

I’m not really sure but I really felt like I failed what I had started back in 2011. I had lost 300 pounds but didn’t know how to really keep it off.

I didn’t heal all the wounds that were still open and clearly visible.

Over the past few months, I started working on myself. I’m really trying to figure out what makes me tick. I’ve really been thinking about my triggers. What makes me want to eat certain things? Am I actually eating enough every day? Should I eat more often? Should I have a little bit of something to curb having a lot of something?

These are all questions that I’ve been thinking about. Binge eating is a serious issue. It’s something I’ve dealt with my entire life but just never did anything about it. For others, it’s a different type of ordeal. Read the book, Brain Over Binge by Kathryn Hansen, if you want a similar perspective.

I’ve been a binge eater my entire life. My relationship with food was never healthy back when we first lost weight. I really have to fix this broken relationship before I can really move forward and lose the weight again.

Like anything, it’s a process. A work in progress. It’s something that I’ll be working on for a long time.

Do you struggle with your relationship with food?
What triggers you to overeat?

{ 1 comment }

Happy Friday everyone and Happy New Year!

It’s a late edition of Five Things Friday but I’m getting one in this week! I hope your new year has been going in the right direction for you.

It’s a new month and it’s been pretty busy here in the Gillis household. The new baby arrived in late December. She takes up most of our time and our family is adjusting day by day.

I wanted to share a few things that I’ve been liking or doing over the past week. Maybe you’ll like them too.

So, enjoy this week’s Five Things Friday!

1) Hello Baby G

Untitled

Baby G arrived a few days before Christmas. She was definitely an early present. About a week earlier than her original debut date. It’s been a learning experience for the past two weeks. Babies are really incredible when you really think about it. I’ve had to learn Baby G’s cues. How do I know if she’s hungry? Does she need a diaper change? Is she giving me a signal to be held? I’m rambling here but I’m truly grateful to be able to experience being a parent. It’s a great feeling and she’s a really good baby. Even though she is my baby.

2) New Year, New Planner

Untitled

I am a horrible, unorganized being. Yes, I said it! I’m so bad at planning. I am so off the cuff with everything. I never have a plan. I’m REALLY TRYING to change that mentality.

Untitled

I bought a planner to fix that. I’m not sure the brand that I got but it’s refillable every year. It’s nice. Angela has one that is similar. Hers is larger but I mistakenly ordered the smaller version. I bought a planner because I should be a lot more organized in 2017. Between family things and other personal stuff, I really want to have some sort of schedule so I don’t forget to do things. Because I am very forgetful.

3) Tools of Titans

Untitled

I bought Tim Ferriss’s new book exactly a month ago and I’m still reading it a month later. The book, Tools of Titans, is a massive how-to book of sorts. The book details the habits and routines of the most successful people that have been guests on Tim Ferriss’s podcast, The Tim Ferriss Show.

The book is massive at almost 700 pages. There is so much information in it. It’s nearly impossible to soak all of it in. I’ve been taking 2-3 things that I’ve been finding interesting and implementing them. The chapters from Dr. Peter Attia, Charles Poliquin, and Laird Hamilton, Gabby Reece & Brian MacKenzie are just a few of my favorite sections from this huge book!

4) Back In The Gym

Untitled
My gym appearances have been overall sporadic for the past few weeks. I haven’t really been into a solid routine. This week was the first week when I finally started to get back into a routine.

I’ve been starting back slow with just cardio. I’ve added in one strength training session with at least two more to go this week. The end of my paternal leave is coming soon so I’m really trying to get back into some sort of regimen. Yesterday, I really started to hammer out my health goals for the year. I’m looking forward to getting back to shape. I’ve been slacking.

Next week, I’ll add more to my workload and consistently progress from week to week.

5) Favorite Quote Of The Week

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise ~Benjamin Franklin

On that last note, that’s all I have for this week! It’s been a busy week but I’m enjoying every second of it. I hope you have a great weekend. Do something fun for yourself and thanks again for reading!

What do you have planned this weekend?
What is the last book that you read?
What’s one of your favorite things that you enjoyed this week?

{ 0 comments }

Begin Again In 2017

January 2, 2017

Welcome to 2017! How was your holiday season? I hope you had an incredible time with family and friends. My holiday season ended with the birth of my daughter. Being a dad is such an amazing feeling. I never thought I would feel it. I’m extremely blessed to have her in my life. Mom is […]

Read the full article →

Five Things Friday #2

December 2, 2016

Happy Friday everyone! I hope all is well with you. It’s a new month and I want to start it off right with some new content. It’s been awhile since I’ve done a Five Things Friday. So, it makes sense to post a new one today. The first Friday of December. November was a hectic […]

Read the full article →

3 Biggest Weight Loss Mistakes That Most People Make

November 14, 2016

You can agree with me that weight loss is hard. Really hard. Most experts say that it is a simple equation: calories in vs. calories out. But it’s really more to weight loss than that. There are a lot of small parts that eventually add up to a bigger outcome. Cutting your calories is already […]

Read the full article →

How to Eat More Healthy Meals at Restaurants

November 7, 2016

Can you eat healthy meals at restaurants? Eating out while keeping a good diet is hard. With so many choices, you can easily make a wrong food decision. Most dishes are 2 or more servings and you just don’t realize it. Dining at a restaurant doesn’t have to be difficult if you have a game […]

Read the full article →

Five Things Friday #1

November 4, 2016

Welcome to Five Things Friday! The blog is mostly focused on health and wellness. This new series is a way for me to share a few things with you that I’ve been enjoying throughout the week. Honestly, it’s a way for me to write about anything other than fitness things. You understand, right? Anything that […]

Read the full article →

What’s Important To You?

November 2, 2016

It’s a simple question but can you answer it? Most people will have a hard time figuring it out. What’s important to you? I understand that your life can go from 0 to 60 in a second. Your priorities can change from moment to moment. Some things are higher on your list while others aren’t. […]

Read the full article →

A Letter To My Readers

October 31, 2016

Dear reader, It’s been awhile since I’ve written on the blog. Sorry for the disappearing act. Lately, it’s been a struggle to find my voice on this outlet. I’ve felt like I’ve had nothing to say. Have you ever felt like that? My life is pretty routine most of the time. I wake up, workout, […]

Read the full article →

Take Some Time Out For Yourself

September 19, 2016

Work. That’s what a lot of us do all day, every day. For some, work defines who they are. Work can be a good thing until it tips the scales. We can burn ourselves out putting in all that work. We don’t know how to shut down. It’s not healthy for the long term. So, […]

Read the full article →